My planner told me I should order flowers for my girlfriend today....

I've always hated Valentine's Day. The only two times I've had a Valentine was when I was 3 years old (he was a kid with a rat tail and apparently wanted to marry me) and again 15 years later when my then boyfriend asked to be my Valentine via AIM when we were in a long distance relationship, him at Columbia in New York and I in Berkeley.

The only reason I remember the former Valentine is because my mom put his Valentine card in my baby book next to a blonde ringlet taken from my first haircut. My mom remembers that Valentine's day fondly, but probably because my dad fucking sucked and she was living vicariously through my preschool Valentine. Maybe she was fucking his dad or something....

Anyways, and with the latter Valentine-- well first off never get into a long-distance relationship-- and secondly there's nothing vaguely romantic about typing in "W-I-L-L Y-O-U B-E M-Y V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E" on your stupid laptop in your stupid Ivy League library and hitting 'send' to your stupid 'girlfriend' sitting in her shitty dorm room eating chocolate cake alone in Clark Kerr as her roommates are in their boyfriends' rooms getting fucked like it's the last day on earth.

Then there's the other 18 Valentine's Days in my life where I had NO VALENTINE. You know what? To all you Clones out there who've had Valentine's more than a few times in your life-- FUCK YOU. The ones who got special flowers, cards, candies, dinners and special sexy time in a bed of rose petals? FUCK YOU. YOU SUCK. And not like 'Cloyne is SUCK' suck, but you actually suck dick. I'm not even going to say you suck because you give into a lame Victorian Christian holiday that has turned into a multi-billion dollar capitalist industry but you actually suck because, well, you make single people feel bad. And I'm not even single anymore! But I still feel those 18 years of loneliness much more than those two shitty Valentines in my life. And fuck off, I know I'm bitter.

To all my single non-vegan brethren, you know what's up with Valentine's day. It's alllll about Feb 15th, the day all the candy goes on sale so you can fill that void in your heart that was made far more apparent on the 14th with sweet, chocolatey wonders while watching your favorite comedy to make you laugh as though you were actually in love (or maybe just filling that void with irrationally frequent masturbation). Oh, and it's all about the fun sized candies, by the way. Especially getting one of those heart-shaped boxes, eating it's insides, spitting out the nasty ones and then DESTROYING THE STUPID FUCKING SHINY PINK HEART EXTERIOR. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Just like cheerleaders screaming and rah-rah-rah-ing at a football game, my soul is crushed and turns as black as the obsidian shores of Satan's bloody beaches on Valentine's day. Just remember, if you have a Valentine on Feb. 14th and are seen holding any kind of Valentine paraphernalia, or eating dinner in a restaurant with one other person, everyone else hates you. Especially the single ones.

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On a side note, here's some shit that's been corrupting my vision as I've perused the internets (apologies to those who don't like abuse of caps lock. I'm just trying to make the fierce hate in my soul as apparent as possible):

THIS STUFF ISN'T EVEN COOL. IT'S TACKY.  FYI: Did you know that Tiffany's uses the same diamonds as Costco? Yet it's roughly a million times more expensive at Tiffany's? Fuck that noise.

NOT CUTE. THIS SHIT IS THE FIRST TO GET THROWN INTO THE FREE PILE. PLUS IT'S JUST MADE BY SOME SAD ASIAN SOULS WHO ARE TREATED AS SHITTILY AS CHILD LABORERS IN  TURN OF THE CENTURY COAL MINES. AND GUESS WHAT? THEY PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT VALENTINE'S DAY IS OR EVEN HAVE A FUCKING LOVER.

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN AND YOU FORCE YOUR BOYFRIEND TO GO SEE SHIT LIKE THIS WITH YOU IN THE THEATER OR EVEN IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Have a Great Day!

Liz